Something ticks and screams.
She now has trouble standing for long periods of time. A weird feeling pierces her gut, her eyes have trouble focusing, and everything slows down and breathes - in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out.
The grounds pulses.
She feels disembodied.
She has trouble formulating words.
The muscles along the sides of her abdomen stretch and ache and she has
trouble stopping herself hunch and curl and be pulled to ground.
She's lost two kilos in a month and a half. A combination of stress and an unidentified virus.
Something ticks and screams.
'Sit down! Sit down! Sit down!'
Friday, 14 December 2012
Monday, 3 December 2012
A Dream That Stuck
I had about a thousand dreams last night.
But one:
I was on a tour of a madhouse called The Wizard of Oz. My tour guide was male, stretched and lanky, wore a blue top hat, and sang absolutely everything. He escorted me up a flight of curly stairs and welcomed me into the room known as Hairy Mountain. There was nothing in the room to indicate why it was called Hairy Mountain. There were lounge chairs in a couple of the corners, books bursting from haphazardly organized bookcases, and a completely idle mini train-set. The feature of the train-set was a wooden coffin - unburied, completely plain, but on the crest of sweeping fields surrounding the track like a star on top of a Christmas tree.
I cannot remember the lyrics. I cannot remember the melody. But everyone who lived within the Wizard of Oz knew it and knew it so well it was as though it was the house anthem.
But one:
I was on a tour of a madhouse called The Wizard of Oz. My tour guide was male, stretched and lanky, wore a blue top hat, and sang absolutely everything. He escorted me up a flight of curly stairs and welcomed me into the room known as Hairy Mountain. There was nothing in the room to indicate why it was called Hairy Mountain. There were lounge chairs in a couple of the corners, books bursting from haphazardly organized bookcases, and a completely idle mini train-set. The feature of the train-set was a wooden coffin - unburied, completely plain, but on the crest of sweeping fields surrounding the track like a star on top of a Christmas tree.
I cannot remember the lyrics. I cannot remember the melody. But everyone who lived within the Wizard of Oz knew it and knew it so well it was as though it was the house anthem.
Tuesday, 15 May 2012
The value of follow-through?
If you've been paying attention, you will remember that during my month-long February challenge I started reading Anna Karenina. It had been sitting on my bookshelf unfinished for years despite my constant reassurance that I would, indeed, go back, start over, and finish it one day. Despite Anna Karenina being over 800 pages long, I thought it would take no longer than a month. I was bold and optimistic and I believe I even wrote in caps.
Well, I have an update for you all. A couple of days ago I gave up on Anna Karenina...despite having read over 500 pages.
It was a difficult decision to make because I felt that by giving up on the book I had failed in achieving my goal but, also, inadvertently saying that my word means jack-shit. This whole thing has got me thinking about what books we read and why we read them and the value of follow-through and keeping promises to other people and to yourself.
Maybe I can explain this better...
I used to have a friend who believed that classic literature was the best kind of writing and that most other genres, and contemporary novels, were trite and vapid. Basically, he was a literary snob. However, since I had very limited exposure to classic literature, at the time I felt rather insecure about my reading habits. I thought that maybe he was right. I decided that I would become more 'cultured' and actually read some of these books he so dearly loved. I read Catcher in the Rye, The Little Prince, The Great Gatsby, Animal Farm, Emma, The Fall, and The Bell Jar...and I have to say that I really enjoyed reading them (except Emma and I'm not sure why). But I felt like it wasn't enough so I kept making lists of books I should read and the list grew longer and longer. And this continued even after he and I were no longer friends.
Anna Karenina fell on that list, obviously, because it was a classic novel, and when February rolled around and the challenge popped up, I thought that it would be a great opportunity to keep going with my 'Literary Education'.
But I now realise that what I was doing was totally misguided.
The thing I'm trying to say is that everyone should read, I do believe that. Reading can be such a wonderful experience. It has been shown to improve communication skills, writing skills, spelling, but it also ignites imagination and is a healthy form of escapism. But, really, it doesn't matter what you read or how you read. There is no better genre, there is no better formula, everyone's going to have their own taste*. And as a side note, 'Top 100 Books of All Time' lists are completely arbitrary.
Everyone is free to develop their own tastes and have their own opinions. Reading a novel should be an enjoyable activity even if the enjoyment is from learning, challenging yourself, thinking critically about a particular topic, or just because the story is exciting.
I stopped reading Anna Karenina for a number of reasons but it all boiled down to the fact that I wasn't enjoying it, by whatever measure you choose. It was exhausting. The only reason I didn't stop reading sooner was because I hoped that the storyline would improve and that the characters would somehow magically grip me. But mostly because I wanted the bragging rights; I wanted to be able to say that I had read it.
But that's not what's important, should-ing yourself into reading a novel is a never a fun experience. I mean, you probably have to do it while you're still in school so you can pass and write a damn good essay. But once you're out of school you tend to read for a different purpose. Reading classic literature, or only reading classic literature, does not make you a cultured person nor do you receive bragging rights. Also, not finishing the novel is no a reflection on the value of my word.
My decision to quit was a very considered decision and sometimes you just need to know when to call it a day.
There is still part of me that feels like I failed (and perhaps it's true to some extent) but to be quite honest, I feel freer. The book no longer hangs over head and tortures me. I gave it a go and it just didn't grab me. And that's okay.
Onto the next literary adventure.
*I do concede that there is a science to writing a good story and that certain plots have particular undesirable implications on the readership, but I don't want to talk about that in this entry so much.
Well, I have an update for you all. A couple of days ago I gave up on Anna Karenina...despite having read over 500 pages.
It was a difficult decision to make because I felt that by giving up on the book I had failed in achieving my goal but, also, inadvertently saying that my word means jack-shit. This whole thing has got me thinking about what books we read and why we read them and the value of follow-through and keeping promises to other people and to yourself.
Maybe I can explain this better...
I used to have a friend who believed that classic literature was the best kind of writing and that most other genres, and contemporary novels, were trite and vapid. Basically, he was a literary snob. However, since I had very limited exposure to classic literature, at the time I felt rather insecure about my reading habits. I thought that maybe he was right. I decided that I would become more 'cultured' and actually read some of these books he so dearly loved. I read Catcher in the Rye, The Little Prince, The Great Gatsby, Animal Farm, Emma, The Fall, and The Bell Jar...and I have to say that I really enjoyed reading them (except Emma and I'm not sure why). But I felt like it wasn't enough so I kept making lists of books I should read and the list grew longer and longer. And this continued even after he and I were no longer friends.
Anna Karenina fell on that list, obviously, because it was a classic novel, and when February rolled around and the challenge popped up, I thought that it would be a great opportunity to keep going with my 'Literary Education'.
But I now realise that what I was doing was totally misguided.
The thing I'm trying to say is that everyone should read, I do believe that. Reading can be such a wonderful experience. It has been shown to improve communication skills, writing skills, spelling, but it also ignites imagination and is a healthy form of escapism. But, really, it doesn't matter what you read or how you read. There is no better genre, there is no better formula, everyone's going to have their own taste*. And as a side note, 'Top 100 Books of All Time' lists are completely arbitrary.
Everyone is free to develop their own tastes and have their own opinions. Reading a novel should be an enjoyable activity even if the enjoyment is from learning, challenging yourself, thinking critically about a particular topic, or just because the story is exciting.
I stopped reading Anna Karenina for a number of reasons but it all boiled down to the fact that I wasn't enjoying it, by whatever measure you choose. It was exhausting. The only reason I didn't stop reading sooner was because I hoped that the storyline would improve and that the characters would somehow magically grip me. But mostly because I wanted the bragging rights; I wanted to be able to say that I had read it.
But that's not what's important, should-ing yourself into reading a novel is a never a fun experience. I mean, you probably have to do it while you're still in school so you can pass and write a damn good essay. But once you're out of school you tend to read for a different purpose. Reading classic literature, or only reading classic literature, does not make you a cultured person nor do you receive bragging rights. Also, not finishing the novel is no a reflection on the value of my word.
My decision to quit was a very considered decision and sometimes you just need to know when to call it a day.
There is still part of me that feels like I failed (and perhaps it's true to some extent) but to be quite honest, I feel freer. The book no longer hangs over head and tortures me. I gave it a go and it just didn't grab me. And that's okay.
Onto the next literary adventure.
*I do concede that there is a science to writing a good story and that certain plots have particular undesirable implications on the readership, but I don't want to talk about that in this entry so much.
Saturday, 5 May 2012
What's been goin' on? My life in pictures.
It's been some time since I last updated this blog. So here I go, updating it with pictures.
Got to be honest, March and April kinda kicked my arse. BUT I am determined to make May better.
Edit: I also saw two of my favourite music artists in concert but, alas, I didn't take any photos at either one. Both concerts were absolutely magnificent, though.
Got to be honest, March and April kinda kicked my arse. BUT I am determined to make May better.
Edit: I also saw two of my favourite music artists in concert but, alas, I didn't take any photos at either one. Both concerts were absolutely magnificent, though.
Friday, 23 March 2012
In Which I Have Emotions...(and it's icky and uncomfortable for everyone)
Hey there, gang.
It's been quite some time since my last text post but I'm bored, I have the urge to write, and Facebook stalking has lost its glitter. Heads up, this is a rather personal post so if that’s not your deal keep clicking internet buttons and go youtube cat videos instead because I am giving myself permission to write in here and I'm not going to apologise for it. YOU CANNOT STOP ME. I DO WAHT I WANT.
I wanna talk serious for a second. Fo real.
*ahem*
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. And not the usual run-of-the-mill kind of loneliness that seems to abate with a fragrant cup of tea and a good film. This is the kind of loneliness with HORNS, one that penetrates every facet of one’s existence. And, well, it’s getting to be a problem because I'm finding it incredibly uncomfortable.
I seem to have found myself in a weird stage of life - through life circumstances (my own and others) and behaviours (my own and others) - where I am spending most of my time only in my own company. It's like I’m a significantly less awesome version of Amelié. I am not dressing up like Zorro, going on cool adventures, or turning the head of an adorable Frenchman. In this trite real-life adaptation, I spend my time flitting from unsuccessful distraction to unsuccessful distraction and I constantly feel like I’m drowning. Definitely not a best-seller.
Let me give you a couple of sad examples...
Okay, okay, okay, okay, I know you're thinking one of two things: STFU or why don't YOU take the initiative and talk to someone or ask someone to do something instead. But I do, internet. I do...but am rejected, almost always (says Loser Sally).
I’m working hard on accepting that this is a phase of my life but the magic of acceptance hasn't hit me yet. The aching feeling has not gone away and I'm finding it difficult to remain positive in order to ride it out.
So consider this my 'Britney Spears Shaves Her Head Moment'. This is my cry for help. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom, throw them my way. I will gladly accept them.
Thank you for letting me whine. I recognise that this is a uninteresting shade of my personality but I appreciate it if you read it anyway. Here, have a picture of a mouse with a teeny tiny musical instrument.
It's been quite some time since my last text post but I'm bored, I have the urge to write, and Facebook stalking has lost its glitter. Heads up, this is a rather personal post so if that’s not your deal keep clicking internet buttons and go youtube cat videos instead because I am giving myself permission to write in here and I'm not going to apologise for it. YOU CANNOT STOP ME. I DO WAHT I WANT.
I wanna talk serious for a second. Fo real.
*ahem*
Lately, I have been feeling lonely. And not the usual run-of-the-mill kind of loneliness that seems to abate with a fragrant cup of tea and a good film. This is the kind of loneliness with HORNS, one that penetrates every facet of one’s existence. And, well, it’s getting to be a problem because I'm finding it incredibly uncomfortable.
I seem to have found myself in a weird stage of life - through life circumstances (my own and others) and behaviours (my own and others) - where I am spending most of my time only in my own company. It's like I’m a significantly less awesome version of Amelié. I am not dressing up like Zorro, going on cool adventures, or turning the head of an adorable Frenchman. In this trite real-life adaptation, I spend my time flitting from unsuccessful distraction to unsuccessful distraction and I constantly feel like I’m drowning. Definitely not a best-seller.
Let me give you a couple of sad examples...
- I log onto IM: no one is online...except, maybe, a girl I went to high school with but our conversations never seem to develop past 'Hi, how are you?' Although, there was that one time I thought someone new added me but they were just a Spam Bot. I relished every time I happened to use the word 'real' in that 'conversation' because the bot would immediately respond with 'i am real'. Endless fun.
- No Tumblr responses. No one even knows I have a Tumblr, come to think. Actually, I probably want to keep it that way. Okay, scrap this one.
- No Twitter responses. Kinda get the feeling I'm annoying on there. Only porn stars seem to follow me.
- No Facebook messages/posts/whatevers. And that's just sad because I actually know some of the people on there. IRL.
- I barely text a living soul. I have a reasonable amount of credit per month but let's just say if that if my credit was a bowl full of jelly, I would have eaten about two teaspoons by the end of the month. Does that even make sense....
Okay, okay, okay, okay, I know you're thinking one of two things: STFU or why don't YOU take the initiative and talk to someone or ask someone to do something instead. But I do, internet. I do...but am rejected, almost always (says Loser Sally).
I’m working hard on accepting that this is a phase of my life but the magic of acceptance hasn't hit me yet. The aching feeling has not gone away and I'm finding it difficult to remain positive in order to ride it out.
So consider this my 'Britney Spears Shaves Her Head Moment'. This is my cry for help. If you have any ideas or words of wisdom, throw them my way. I will gladly accept them.
Thank you for letting me whine. I recognise that this is a uninteresting shade of my personality but I appreciate it if you read it anyway. Here, have a picture of a mouse with a teeny tiny musical instrument.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Day #29
LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED
Say 'I love you' to someone you've never told before, or someone you don't tell enough. You could write them a letter, make them a video, call them unexpectedly – just do it!
Okay, watching me express emotion is like watching a baby calf take it's first steps - it's usually an awkward experience (the calf looks like it's trying to dance to dub-step), there's more fluid involved than necessary, and it makes people very uncomfortable. Gross. Because of this, I probably don't tell people I love them nearly as much as I should and, you know, I watched Rent for the first time last night so love seems exceptionally important right now.
SO I sent most of my friends a text telling them I loved them including a friend I don't think I've told before. Now I am some weird combination of feelings. But that's how it goes, hey? And, hey internet, I love you too. But you already knew that.
Hahaha, some of them responded with 'you're just doing the February challenge, aren't you?' ACCEPT THE LOVE, GODDAMMIT.
GUESS WHAT GUYS! Today is the 29th - leap year, baby - which means that it's the last day of my challenge. I decided this should be the last challenge since it was the last challenge for the original January edition and it seemed like a more fitting ending than just 'making something' which I've inadvertently done a couple of times this month. As it stands I have 3 failures under my belt and 26 successes. Since I am a highly competitive perfectionist these failures do not sit well with me. Therefore, even though my month long challenge is over I will endeavour to complete these outstanding challenges at some point in the near future and update you guys accordingly.
I don't want to get too sappy because I think I've nearly reached my quota for today but these challenges have really brightened my year and pushed me to be more action-orientated. It's been a good experience and I'm glad I decided to do it.
TO THE NEXT FEW MONTHS! *raises glass*
P.S. Forgive me if there are any obvious errors in this post. My internet's been capped so downloading anything takes a century. I will go over everything when my internet isn't moving at the speed of a tortoise.
Say 'I love you' to someone you've never told before, or someone you don't tell enough. You could write them a letter, make them a video, call them unexpectedly – just do it!
Okay, watching me express emotion is like watching a baby calf take it's first steps - it's usually an awkward experience (the calf looks like it's trying to dance to dub-step), there's more fluid involved than necessary, and it makes people very uncomfortable. Gross. Because of this, I probably don't tell people I love them nearly as much as I should and, you know, I watched Rent for the first time last night so love seems exceptionally important right now.
SO I sent most of my friends a text telling them I loved them including a friend I don't think I've told before. Now I am some weird combination of feelings. But that's how it goes, hey? And, hey internet, I love you too. But you already knew that.
Hahaha, some of them responded with 'you're just doing the February challenge, aren't you?' ACCEPT THE LOVE, GODDAMMIT.
GUESS WHAT GUYS! Today is the 29th - leap year, baby - which means that it's the last day of my challenge. I decided this should be the last challenge since it was the last challenge for the original January edition and it seemed like a more fitting ending than just 'making something' which I've inadvertently done a couple of times this month. As it stands I have 3 failures under my belt and 26 successes. Since I am a highly competitive perfectionist these failures do not sit well with me. Therefore, even though my month long challenge is over I will endeavour to complete these outstanding challenges at some point in the near future and update you guys accordingly.
I don't want to get too sappy because I think I've nearly reached my quota for today but these challenges have really brightened my year and pushed me to be more action-orientated. It's been a good experience and I'm glad I decided to do it.
TO THE NEXT FEW MONTHS! *raises glass*
P.S. Forgive me if there are any obvious errors in this post. My internet's been capped so downloading anything takes a century. I will go over everything when my internet isn't moving at the speed of a tortoise.
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